1 00:00:01,000 --> 00:00:02,840 2 00:00:02,840 --> 00:00:04,280 3 00:00:04,280 --> 00:00:07,040 4 00:00:07,040 --> 00:00:09,840 5 00:00:09,840 --> 00:00:12,640 6 00:00:12,640 --> 00:00:13,960 7 00:00:13,960 --> 00:00:15,320 8 00:00:15,320 --> 00:00:18,160 9 00:00:18,160 --> 00:00:20,800 10 00:00:20,800 --> 00:00:23,520 11 00:00:23,520 --> 00:00:26,320 12 00:00:26,320 --> 00:00:27,720 13 00:00:27,720 --> 00:00:31,840 14 00:00:31,840 --> 00:00:34,280 VOICEOVER: Horrible Histories presents: 15 00:00:39,240 --> 00:00:40,440 Is the coast clear? 16 00:00:40,480 --> 00:00:41,840 Take that! Mph! 17 00:00:41,880 --> 00:00:44,400 Oh, that looked nasty! 18 00:00:44,440 --> 00:00:47,200 My brothers and sisters and I are in the middle of an epic battle. 19 00:00:47,240 --> 00:00:51,120 One of our classic ratty pillow fights. 20 00:00:51,160 --> 00:00:52,800 Da! Incoming! Ahh! 21 00:00:52,840 --> 00:00:53,840 Eugh! 22 00:00:53,880 --> 00:00:57,160 It all started when my sisters invaded my brother's bedroom. 23 00:00:57,200 --> 00:00:59,720 That's how real wars sometimes start too. 24 00:00:59,760 --> 00:01:03,360 One nation invades another country and tries to take it over. 25 00:01:03,400 --> 00:01:06,640 Of course, some of history's invasions went better than others. 26 00:01:06,680 --> 00:01:07,720 (FANFARE) 27 00:01:07,760 --> 00:01:09,280 Charge! 28 00:01:13,880 --> 00:01:17,280 That huge amount of ships that we sent against the English, 29 00:01:17,320 --> 00:01:18,480 I think we made them mad. 30 00:01:25,040 --> 00:01:27,280 Try and invade us, will you, Spain? 31 00:01:27,320 --> 00:01:29,920 Well, now it's payback time. 32 00:01:31,080 --> 00:01:34,080 Sir Francis Drake. Your Maj. 33 00:01:34,120 --> 00:01:37,440 Unleash the English Armada. 34 00:01:38,680 --> 00:01:40,840 You had me at "unleash the E". 35 00:01:45,720 --> 00:01:47,520 ..led by Francis Drake 36 00:01:47,520 --> 00:01:49,760 aboard his ship 'Revenge'. 37 00:01:49,800 --> 00:01:53,840 180 ships, tens of thousands of soldiers. 38 00:01:53,880 --> 00:01:57,160 We shall destroy the Spanish fleet! Attack! 39 00:01:59,160 --> 00:02:00,400 Wait! 40 00:02:01,160 --> 00:02:03,400 Instead of their fleet of ships, 41 00:02:03,440 --> 00:02:07,080 let's attack the Spanish city of Coruna. 42 00:02:11,920 --> 00:02:13,880 I wonder if they've conquered Spain yet. 43 00:02:13,920 --> 00:02:14,960 Mm. 44 00:02:16,000 --> 00:02:18,760 OK. Might take a bit longer than I thought. 45 00:02:19,240 --> 00:02:20,440 Longer?! 46 00:02:20,480 --> 00:02:22,200 The winds are blowing in the wrong direction! 47 00:02:22,240 --> 00:02:24,400 The men are dying of starvation and sickness! 48 00:02:24,440 --> 00:02:27,160 What are you complaining about? We've still got 5000 men. 49 00:02:27,200 --> 00:02:30,520 Yes, but we started out with tens of thousands of men! 50 00:02:30,560 --> 00:02:31,560 That's not ideal. 51 00:02:38,600 --> 00:02:40,240 You know the English Armada 52 00:02:40,280 --> 00:02:42,120 we sent against the Spanish because of the Spanish Armada 53 00:02:42,160 --> 00:02:43,280 they sent against us? 54 00:02:43,320 --> 00:02:46,400 Well, I think they may be planning revenge. 55 00:02:46,440 --> 00:02:48,400 No. Yes! 56 00:02:48,440 --> 00:02:51,000 Another Spanish Armada! 57 00:02:56,160 --> 00:02:58,600 I'm beginning to think armadas might be overrated. 58 00:02:59,000 --> 00:03:00,000 Yeah! 59 00:03:00,640 --> 00:03:02,520 Me and my brothers are losing the battle, 60 00:03:02,560 --> 00:03:05,080 so we've turned our bedrooms into a fort. 61 00:03:05,120 --> 00:03:08,920 We built barriers at every entrance so our sisters can't attack us. 62 00:03:08,960 --> 00:03:11,200 We are totally safe. 63 00:03:11,200 --> 00:03:13,120 Ah! Ugh. 64 00:03:13,160 --> 00:03:14,720 Battles are hard. 65 00:03:14,760 --> 00:03:17,640 And it's not just the landscapes that are a problem. 66 00:03:17,680 --> 00:03:20,720 Keep it down, you lot! Sorry, Mum! 67 00:03:20,760 --> 00:03:23,080 Sometimes the people are the problem. 68 00:03:23,120 --> 00:03:25,000 William the Conqueror found that out. 69 00:03:25,040 --> 00:03:27,760 After he killed King Harold at the Battle of Hastings, 70 00:03:27,800 --> 00:03:31,280 he came up against a particularly tricky opponent. 71 00:03:31,320 --> 00:03:33,920 Harold's mum! Ooft! 72 00:03:38,040 --> 00:03:43,360 Hello! I am King William of England. 73 00:03:43,400 --> 00:03:44,800 I know you're in there! 74 00:03:46,360 --> 00:03:48,040 We're not scared of you, William! 75 00:03:48,080 --> 00:03:52,440 Guys, seriously, I am not OK about this rebellion. 76 00:03:52,520 --> 00:03:54,320 I just conquered you! 77 00:03:54,360 --> 00:03:58,240 I'm so peeved, I literally just poked this guy's eyes out. 78 00:03:58,280 --> 00:04:01,720 There was a whole battle near Hastings. Remember? 79 00:04:01,760 --> 00:04:03,960 My rival King Harold 80 00:04:04,000 --> 00:04:06,400 and all his brothers were killed or captured. 81 00:04:06,440 --> 00:04:07,680 I mean, 82 00:04:07,720 --> 00:04:13,960 there's literally no-one else from the royal family left to lead you! 83 00:04:14,000 --> 00:04:17,160 Move it, sunshine. 84 00:04:18,640 --> 00:04:21,360 Go away! 85 00:04:21,400 --> 00:04:23,880 Oh, for crying out loud. Look who it is. 86 00:04:23,920 --> 00:04:25,720 Yeah, I would if you hadn't poked my eyes out. 87 00:04:25,760 --> 00:04:28,240 Oh, sorry. Yeah, it's the old King Harold's mum, 88 00:04:28,280 --> 00:04:29,280 Gytha. Oh? 89 00:04:29,320 --> 00:04:35,880 Yeah! You forgot about Mummy, didn't you? 90 00:04:35,920 --> 00:04:38,080 Look, it would be better for everybody 91 00:04:38,120 --> 00:04:43,160 if we ended all this rivalry and you just surrendered. 92 00:04:43,200 --> 00:04:45,680 So what do you say? 93 00:04:46,840 --> 00:04:48,160 Why's it all gone quiet? 94 00:04:48,200 --> 00:04:49,680 Hang on. Something's happening. 95 00:04:49,720 --> 00:04:52,880 Oh, I think he's getting his bum out. Fire! 96 00:04:52,920 --> 00:04:54,640 But why? (FARTS) 97 00:04:54,680 --> 00:04:56,960 Don't worry about it, Your Majesty. 98 00:04:57,000 --> 00:04:58,640 Everyone does it when they get nervous. 99 00:04:58,680 --> 00:05:01,400 That wasn't me. It was them! Oh, sure it was. 100 00:05:01,920 --> 00:05:05,800 That's our answer! 101 00:05:05,840 --> 00:05:11,000 The sound of a mother's rage. 102 00:05:11,000 --> 00:05:12,080 (FARTS) 103 00:05:12,120 --> 00:05:15,120 And by the smell of it... (SNIFFS) 104 00:05:16,920 --> 00:05:18,880 ..cabbage. (FARTS) 105 00:05:18,920 --> 00:05:21,160 Oh! Oh, God, that is strong. 106 00:05:21,200 --> 00:05:22,480 (FARTS) Oh! 107 00:05:22,520 --> 00:05:24,520 Maybe you should go and change your chainmail. 108 00:05:24,560 --> 00:05:27,280 It wasn't me! Do you want me to poke something else out? 109 00:05:27,320 --> 00:05:29,200 Yeah. Could you start with my nose? Ohh. 110 00:05:29,240 --> 00:05:31,080 Hit him again! 111 00:05:31,800 --> 00:05:33,040 (FARTS) Oh! 112 00:05:33,080 --> 00:05:35,880 I know you have them surrounded, but maybe it's time we retreated. 113 00:05:35,920 --> 00:05:37,120 Yeah, it stinks. 114 00:05:37,160 --> 00:05:38,160 (CONTINUES FARTING) 115 00:05:38,200 --> 00:05:42,440 That's right! Fear our power! 116 00:05:42,480 --> 00:05:43,480 (FARTS) 117 00:05:43,520 --> 00:05:46,520 And smell it, too! (FARTS) 118 00:05:46,560 --> 00:05:48,960 Oh, I could smell that one from France! 119 00:05:49,000 --> 00:05:52,280 We'll be back! Right. That's enough. 120 00:05:52,720 --> 00:05:53,720 (FARTS) 121 00:05:54,240 --> 00:05:55,240 Oh. 122 00:05:56,920 --> 00:06:00,520 It's been 90 years since Caesar failed to conquer Britain. 123 00:06:00,560 --> 00:06:04,040 Rome has a new emperor determined to finish the job. 124 00:06:04,080 --> 00:06:06,520 It's gonna take one tough toga wearer 125 00:06:06,560 --> 00:06:09,320 to risk everything in this hellhole. 126 00:06:09,360 --> 00:06:11,960 I'm Emperor Claudius, and this is... 127 00:06:16,440 --> 00:06:21,040 You're on an island filled with bloodthirsty warriors and druids. 128 00:06:21,080 --> 00:06:23,640 Staying alive through the night is going to be a challenge. 129 00:06:23,680 --> 00:06:26,760 You're going to need protection, and you're going to need it fast. 130 00:06:26,800 --> 00:06:31,240 Look around you. What do you see? Nothing but trees and dirt. 131 00:06:31,280 --> 00:06:36,000 But trees and dirt with training and basic tools can become a fortress. 132 00:06:36,040 --> 00:06:38,000 A fortress can keep you alive 133 00:06:38,040 --> 00:06:41,000 when everybody around you wants you dead. 134 00:06:41,040 --> 00:06:43,000 But what I like to do is 135 00:06:43,040 --> 00:06:45,280 stay 900 miles away in Rome 136 00:06:45,320 --> 00:06:47,400 and let my general, Paulinus, 137 00:06:47,400 --> 00:06:49,160 and the army do the hard work. 138 00:06:50,320 --> 00:06:52,120 When you're faced with death, 139 00:06:52,160 --> 00:06:53,760 being somewhere completely different 140 00:06:53,800 --> 00:06:56,000 is a very effective way of staying alive. 141 00:06:59,880 --> 00:07:01,240 You finally arrived in Great Britain 142 00:07:01,280 --> 00:07:02,800 because the war has already been won, 143 00:07:02,840 --> 00:07:04,200 but now you have to win the peace 144 00:07:04,240 --> 00:07:06,880 and these locals will rebel at the drop of a helmet. 145 00:07:06,880 --> 00:07:07,880 (HELMET THUDS) Ah! 146 00:07:07,960 --> 00:07:09,920 You need to be prepared, and that means using what's around you. 147 00:07:09,960 --> 00:07:11,120 Look around you. What do you see? 148 00:07:12,640 --> 00:07:16,000 A stone can be used as a missile. Ya! (CAT SCREECHES) 149 00:07:16,040 --> 00:07:18,360 And wood is good for keeping the fire going at night. 150 00:07:18,400 --> 00:07:23,200 Staying well lit and armed is vitally important in a hostile situation. 151 00:07:23,240 --> 00:07:25,800 But what I like to do is... bring an elephant. 152 00:07:25,840 --> 00:07:26,840 (ELEPHANT TRUMPETS) 153 00:07:27,800 --> 00:07:30,240 It's unlikely the locals will have seen an elephant. 154 00:07:30,280 --> 00:07:31,520 "What's that?" they'll say, 155 00:07:31,560 --> 00:07:33,360 and I'll say, "That's an elephant." 156 00:07:33,400 --> 00:07:35,800 And they'll say, "Cool, I've never seen one of those. 157 00:07:35,840 --> 00:07:36,880 "Let's not rebel." 158 00:07:37,320 --> 00:07:39,640 Probably. Who cares? I've got an elephant! 159 00:07:39,680 --> 00:07:40,680 (ELEPHANT TRUMPETS) 160 00:07:40,720 --> 00:07:43,600 I love it when they do that! X-treme elephant! 161 00:07:45,440 --> 00:07:47,040 Conquer more of the island 162 00:07:47,040 --> 00:07:48,800 so you're safer from attack. 163 00:07:48,840 --> 00:07:52,240 You've secured the south-east, but it's going to take years 164 00:07:52,280 --> 00:07:55,200 to spread your rule across this new and dangerous island. 165 00:07:55,240 --> 00:07:58,880 You've got decades of hard work and danger ahead of you. 166 00:07:58,920 --> 00:08:01,200 But what I'd like to do is... go home 167 00:08:01,240 --> 00:08:02,680 after 16 days. 168 00:08:02,720 --> 00:08:04,080 Let the army do the rest. 169 00:08:04,120 --> 00:08:08,840 Going home to Rome seriously reduces your chances of being killed abroad. 170 00:08:08,880 --> 00:08:09,880 And that's... 171 00:08:12,680 --> 00:08:13,720 Let's bounce. 172 00:08:16,400 --> 00:08:17,400 (ELEPHANT TRUMPETS) 173 00:08:18,240 --> 00:08:19,800 I forgot my elephant. 174 00:08:22,360 --> 00:08:24,960 Now, gentlemen, in precisely one minute's time, 175 00:08:25,000 --> 00:08:27,240 we're going to march as British soldiers 176 00:08:27,280 --> 00:08:31,520 fighting for the East India Company into battle at Seringapatam. 177 00:08:31,560 --> 00:08:32,560 How do you like that? 178 00:08:32,600 --> 00:08:33,960 Any chance we could do it tomorrow, Colonel? 179 00:08:34,000 --> 00:08:35,200 (FARTING SOUND) 180 00:08:35,240 --> 00:08:37,920 No, we cannot do it tomorrow. We're doing it today. 181 00:08:37,960 --> 00:08:39,840 Can we have this conversation in the shade, sir? 182 00:08:39,880 --> 00:08:43,880 I think my hat has cooked my head. No, we cannot talk in the shade. 183 00:08:43,920 --> 00:08:46,400 A British soldier stands where he must. 184 00:08:46,440 --> 00:08:50,200 Be that under fire, in the ice or in the sun. 185 00:08:50,240 --> 00:08:51,280 Is that understood? 186 00:08:51,760 --> 00:08:52,760 Uhhh. 187 00:08:54,080 --> 00:08:55,320 He must be very strong. 188 00:08:55,360 --> 00:08:57,680 I think their leader just killed a man with his finger. 189 00:08:59,720 --> 00:09:03,040 Why are the British wearing such ridiculously hot and thick uniforms? 190 00:09:03,080 --> 00:09:04,840 If you're gonna march into someone else's country 191 00:09:04,880 --> 00:09:06,600 killing anyone who resists, 192 00:09:06,640 --> 00:09:08,640 the least you could do is dress appropriately. 193 00:09:08,680 --> 00:09:10,720 We're struggling with the sun, sir. We all are. 194 00:09:10,760 --> 00:09:11,800 We're not used to it. 195 00:09:11,840 --> 00:09:14,680 Or the fevers, or the water, or the food. 196 00:09:14,720 --> 00:09:16,920 (FARTS) Oh! Sorry, I've got dysentery, sir. 197 00:09:17,480 --> 00:09:20,800 (FARTS) Hey! Ho-oh! That was a close one. 198 00:09:20,840 --> 00:09:23,720 I don't care if it's a bit hot. 199 00:09:23,760 --> 00:09:25,200 I don't care... (FARTS) 200 00:09:25,240 --> 00:09:26,680 ..if you've got a runny bottom. 201 00:09:26,720 --> 00:09:27,720 (FARTS) 202 00:09:27,760 --> 00:09:31,360 I don't care if anyone's got a little bit of fever. 203 00:09:31,400 --> 00:09:34,000 Lemons. Badgers. Soup fairies! 204 00:09:34,040 --> 00:09:35,640 That's just fever, he's seeing things! 205 00:09:35,680 --> 00:09:37,800 (FARTS) Hah-hah! Ho-ho-oh-ho! Wow! 206 00:09:38,560 --> 00:09:39,880 Promise I'm trying to keep them in. 207 00:09:39,920 --> 00:09:41,240 (LOUD RUMBLES) Can you hear gunfire? 208 00:09:41,280 --> 00:09:42,280 (DISTANT FARTING SOUNDS) 209 00:09:42,320 --> 00:09:45,000 I think some of them soldiers are dropping bottom bombs. 210 00:09:45,040 --> 00:09:47,720 They can't handle food with flavour. It goes straight through them. 211 00:09:47,760 --> 00:09:50,080 It is a mystery why they keep stealing food from us. 212 00:09:50,120 --> 00:09:51,200 (DISTANT FARTING SOUNDS) 213 00:09:51,240 --> 00:09:52,240 When they finally leave, 214 00:09:52,280 --> 00:09:54,240 it is going to take an age to clean up after them. 215 00:09:54,280 --> 00:09:56,800 And to rebuild all the cities they burned. 216 00:09:56,840 --> 00:09:58,640 You lot are a disgrace! (FARTS) 217 00:09:58,680 --> 00:10:00,640 Now, you need to be ready to march. March?! 218 00:10:00,680 --> 00:10:03,960 I am standing dead still and clenching my bum. 219 00:10:04,000 --> 00:10:07,200 (STOMACH RUMBLES) If I march, it's gonna be carnage. 220 00:10:07,240 --> 00:10:09,000 (FARTS) Perhaps you'd like to be excused 221 00:10:09,000 --> 00:10:10,080 from battle today. 222 00:10:10,160 --> 00:10:12,120 (CONTINUES FARTING) 223 00:10:12,120 --> 00:10:14,760 You shower of toilets! 224 00:10:14,800 --> 00:10:18,000 The British Empire covers one sixth of the world's land. 225 00:10:18,040 --> 00:10:20,320 The British soldiers are feared around the globe. 226 00:10:20,360 --> 00:10:24,480 Do you really think a bit of heat, gut-churning, is going to stop us? 227 00:10:24,520 --> 00:10:26,440 (FARTS) Ohhh! (STOMACH RUMBLES) 228 00:10:26,480 --> 00:10:27,800 Oh, that might slow us down, actually. 229 00:10:27,840 --> 00:10:28,880 (FARTS) Oh! 230 00:10:30,560 --> 00:10:31,760 Gonna need a new uniform. 231 00:10:32,960 --> 00:10:36,000 I just can't believe we're losing this war to these guys. 232 00:10:36,040 --> 00:10:38,120 They'll go eventually. They'll have to. 233 00:10:38,160 --> 00:10:39,240 They'll run out of underwear. 234 00:10:42,680 --> 00:10:45,880 We all know the first rule of pillow fights. Pillows only! 235 00:10:45,920 --> 00:10:48,360 But if we're going to defeat my sisters, 236 00:10:48,400 --> 00:10:50,680 I'm going to have to get a bit more creative. 237 00:10:50,720 --> 00:10:52,960 So I've emptied the feathers out of this one 238 00:10:53,000 --> 00:10:55,920 and put my mate Freddie the Frog inside. 239 00:10:55,960 --> 00:10:58,680 Matilda's scared of frogs. Ha. 240 00:10:58,720 --> 00:10:59,720 (FROG RIBBITS) 241 00:10:59,760 --> 00:11:01,120 Uh... Oh. 242 00:11:01,160 --> 00:11:03,680 Unfortunately, Freddie's scared of Matilda, too. 243 00:11:03,720 --> 00:11:05,920 Come on, she's not that scary! 244 00:11:05,960 --> 00:11:09,520 I guess new weapons for battle are bound to have teething problems. 245 00:11:09,560 --> 00:11:11,160 Just ask this lot. 246 00:11:13,720 --> 00:11:15,600 Sire. Mmm. 247 00:11:15,600 --> 00:11:16,720 I think you'll be impressed. 248 00:11:16,720 --> 00:11:19,440 I've invented a new weapon that will revolutionise hunting. 249 00:11:19,520 --> 00:11:20,600 Ooh, exciting. 250 00:11:20,640 --> 00:11:23,920 I started with a small, sharpened piece of bone. 251 00:11:23,960 --> 00:11:26,560 But that is tiny. You will never catch a lion with this. 252 00:11:26,600 --> 00:11:27,600 Look. 253 00:11:28,320 --> 00:11:30,200 Did that hurt? Uh, well, a little bit. 254 00:11:30,240 --> 00:11:32,480 No, it didn't. OK, but I hadn't finished. 255 00:11:32,520 --> 00:11:35,560 You see, next, I glued it to the end of a piece of wood. 256 00:11:35,600 --> 00:11:37,240 Ah, you're wasting your time. 257 00:11:37,280 --> 00:11:39,600 Look. This is the smallest spear I've ever seen. 258 00:11:39,640 --> 00:11:41,960 You'll never catch a vicious beast with this child's toy. 259 00:11:42,000 --> 00:11:43,000 Look. Ugh. 260 00:11:43,040 --> 00:11:44,280 Did that hurt? 261 00:11:44,320 --> 00:11:46,560 It hurt quite a lot, actually. No again. 262 00:11:46,600 --> 00:11:49,120 What if I said I could hurl this tiny spear 263 00:11:49,160 --> 00:11:52,240 a vast distance and hit a target using this? 264 00:11:52,280 --> 00:11:55,520 Interesting. Let me have a go. 265 00:11:55,560 --> 00:11:56,600 Hmm. 266 00:11:59,360 --> 00:12:02,400 Ah, useless! This will never catch a leopard. 267 00:12:02,440 --> 00:12:04,800 I wouldn't be so sure. Ughhh. Watch me, sire. 268 00:12:07,560 --> 00:12:09,760 Ooh! Impressive! 269 00:12:11,240 --> 00:12:14,200 So I hold it like this. Right! 270 00:12:15,440 --> 00:12:17,040 Ow! Sire! 271 00:12:17,080 --> 00:12:19,120 I would have hit that target if he didn't get in the way. 272 00:12:19,160 --> 00:12:22,320 Let me have another go. Ah, I think I'll stand over here. 273 00:12:23,520 --> 00:12:27,000 OK. This is the one. Fire! 274 00:12:27,040 --> 00:12:29,640 Ooh! Ahhh! Ohhh! 275 00:12:29,680 --> 00:12:31,720 It's broken. Ah! 276 00:12:31,760 --> 00:12:33,280 Try again but round the other way. 277 00:12:33,320 --> 00:12:34,400 The other way. Oh-oh-oh! 278 00:12:36,040 --> 00:12:37,720 Run away, run away! Alright. 279 00:12:38,960 --> 00:12:40,320 (SCREAMS) 280 00:12:41,080 --> 00:12:42,080 Oh. Where is it? 281 00:12:42,120 --> 00:12:43,960 Ah-uh-uh. It's here. 282 00:12:44,000 --> 00:12:47,080 I mean, the bow round the other way. Yes. 283 00:12:47,120 --> 00:12:50,040 Oh-oh-no-no-no! I'm getting out of here! 284 00:12:50,080 --> 00:12:51,080 Oh. 285 00:12:51,120 --> 00:12:52,120 (SCREAMS) 286 00:12:52,280 --> 00:12:53,280 Why?! 287 00:12:53,640 --> 00:12:56,400 Look, it's bound to take a bit of getting used to. 288 00:12:56,440 --> 00:12:57,440 A bit! 289 00:12:57,480 --> 00:13:00,320 I'm pretty sure I'm getting the hang of it now. 290 00:13:00,360 --> 00:13:02,280 Please, please, please, please, please, please. 291 00:13:03,560 --> 00:13:04,560 You did it! 292 00:13:04,600 --> 00:13:06,000 Ha-Ha! Ha-ha-ha! 293 00:13:06,040 --> 00:13:07,480 Ha-ha-ha! 294 00:13:07,520 --> 00:13:11,680 Amazing. You have invented a tool that can fire small spears. 295 00:13:11,720 --> 00:13:14,360 I call it a bow and arrow. 296 00:13:14,400 --> 00:13:16,760 The bow and arrow. 297 00:13:16,800 --> 00:13:19,440 Actually, the other way. But it doesn't matter. 298 00:13:19,480 --> 00:13:20,720 Ahhh! 299 00:13:22,200 --> 00:13:23,440 300 00:13:23,480 --> 00:13:25,200 301 00:13:25,240 --> 00:13:28,000 so that you can 302 00:13:28,040 --> 00:13:30,720 303 00:13:30,760 --> 00:13:33,840 with a cape to hide your face 304 00:13:33,880 --> 00:13:36,960 305 00:13:37,000 --> 00:13:39,640 if you did a two or one. 306 00:13:45,040 --> 00:13:46,200 No no no! 307 00:13:46,240 --> 00:13:47,520 Oh. Oh! 308 00:13:47,560 --> 00:13:49,000 Greetings, friend. 309 00:13:49,040 --> 00:13:51,680 Who are you and what are you doing on my U-boat? 310 00:13:51,720 --> 00:13:54,360 I am Loo Man, the living lavatory. 311 00:13:54,400 --> 00:13:58,920 And you look like a man who needs a little U-boat's captain's room. 312 00:13:58,960 --> 00:14:00,080 Yes, I do. 313 00:14:00,120 --> 00:14:03,840 Well, then I would like to apply for the jobbies. 314 00:14:03,880 --> 00:14:06,880 We have a toilet. I'm meeting the engineers right now. 315 00:14:06,920 --> 00:14:08,040 Engineer? Yeah. 316 00:14:08,080 --> 00:14:10,240 Flushing the boat toilet is very complex 317 00:14:10,280 --> 00:14:13,440 and only a specially trained person can do it. 318 00:14:14,160 --> 00:14:15,160 I'm intrigued. 319 00:14:16,200 --> 00:14:18,640 It is ready for you, Captain. Oh! Thank goodness. 320 00:14:21,840 --> 00:14:23,760 Oh! Torpedoes awayyyy! 321 00:14:23,760 --> 00:14:24,880 (FARTS) Oh, there we go. 322 00:14:24,920 --> 00:14:25,920 Oh! (FARTS) 323 00:14:25,920 --> 00:14:27,400 Tell me, mein Freund, 324 00:14:27,440 --> 00:14:29,680 do you call them the captain's logs? 325 00:14:29,720 --> 00:14:31,000 (GROANS) Oh, this is the best! 326 00:14:31,040 --> 00:14:34,320 Sorry, Loo Man. A pleasure to meet a fellow poo-fessional. 327 00:14:34,360 --> 00:14:35,360 Oh! 328 00:14:35,680 --> 00:14:38,480 Feel better? Oh, yes. Thank you. 329 00:14:38,520 --> 00:14:41,000 Uh, I'd give it funf if I were you. 330 00:14:41,040 --> 00:14:43,920 You may flush when ready, engineer. 331 00:14:43,960 --> 00:14:45,240 Aye, aye, Captain. 332 00:14:46,880 --> 00:14:48,640 Alright. Right. 333 00:14:48,680 --> 00:14:49,840 Hello. Goodness. 334 00:14:49,880 --> 00:14:51,680 Yeah. My set-up's a lot simpler than yours. 335 00:14:51,720 --> 00:14:53,520 If you want me to take you through it? 336 00:14:53,560 --> 00:14:55,960 Nein, danke. Please do not disturb me. 337 00:14:56,000 --> 00:15:00,160 I must turn these levers and valves in exactly the right order. 338 00:15:00,200 --> 00:15:04,040 Otherwise, the sea water will flood into the vessel. 339 00:15:04,080 --> 00:15:05,200 OK, cool. 340 00:15:07,560 --> 00:15:08,640 Out of interest, 341 00:15:08,680 --> 00:15:11,960 how many buckets' worth of bum bratwurst does this baby store? 342 00:15:12,000 --> 00:15:14,800 Well, actually, the sub does not store its poop. 343 00:15:14,840 --> 00:15:19,440 Instead, we fire turdpedos into the ocean with compressed air. 344 00:15:19,520 --> 00:15:20,600 Love it! 345 00:15:21,440 --> 00:15:22,440 (BUZZING) 346 00:15:22,480 --> 00:15:24,600 Hello! What's happened? Has he done a floater? 347 00:15:24,600 --> 00:15:25,880 (BUZZING CONTINUES) 348 00:15:26,360 --> 00:15:28,840 Oh, no. I've inputted the wrong sequence. 349 00:15:28,880 --> 00:15:31,240 The toilet is filling up with seawater and the captain's logs! 350 00:15:31,280 --> 00:15:33,200 Oh, you do call them the captain's logs, then? 351 00:15:33,240 --> 00:15:35,880 Captain, the toilet switch just leaked into the ship's batteries, 352 00:15:35,920 --> 00:15:38,040 and the sub is filling with poisonous gas! 353 00:15:38,080 --> 00:15:39,960 We must surface and abandon ship. 354 00:15:39,960 --> 00:15:41,040 (BEEPING) Oh, dear. 355 00:15:41,080 --> 00:15:42,840 Abandon ship! Code Brown! 356 00:15:42,880 --> 00:15:45,280 Abandon ship. Abandon ship! 357 00:15:46,240 --> 00:15:47,240 (EXPLOSION) 358 00:15:47,960 --> 00:15:49,040 Should have used the bucket. 359 00:15:52,800 --> 00:15:54,200 Well, Dr Skinner, 360 00:15:54,240 --> 00:15:55,960 we're hoping you've come up with something 361 00:15:55,960 --> 00:15:57,520 that will help us to defeat the Nazis. 362 00:15:57,560 --> 00:15:59,680 Gentlemen, I believe I have. 363 00:15:59,720 --> 00:16:02,640 A massive advance in missile accuracy. 364 00:16:02,680 --> 00:16:04,960 Piloted missiles. 365 00:16:05,000 --> 00:16:07,440 Piloted? But who would be stupid enough 366 00:16:07,520 --> 00:16:09,560 to pilot a missile that was gonna explode? 367 00:16:11,520 --> 00:16:13,160 Gentlemen, meet your new pilot. 368 00:16:15,600 --> 00:16:16,680 (COOS) 369 00:16:20,560 --> 00:16:24,120 You want a pigeon to fly the bomb? Of course not. 370 00:16:24,720 --> 00:16:25,720 (ALL CHUCKLE) 371 00:16:25,760 --> 00:16:29,080 I want three pigeons to fly the bomb. Gentlemen... 372 00:16:29,120 --> 00:16:31,640 Each pigeon harnessed inside the missile 373 00:16:31,680 --> 00:16:35,000 has been trained to peck at the target when they see it. 374 00:16:35,040 --> 00:16:38,400 This pecking transmits a signal via the bird's beak, 375 00:16:38,440 --> 00:16:43,160 which controls the bomb's tail fins and directs it towards the target. 376 00:16:43,200 --> 00:16:44,240 (HIGH-PITCHED) Oh, nein! 377 00:16:44,280 --> 00:16:46,960 You've destroyed my Nazi battleship! 378 00:16:47,000 --> 00:16:49,000 Who'd have suspected a pigeon? 379 00:16:49,040 --> 00:16:52,400 Oh, somebody give Skinner a promotion! 380 00:16:52,440 --> 00:16:53,720 Are we being pranked? 381 00:16:53,760 --> 00:16:57,040 Do you want us to entrust the war to...to birds? 382 00:16:57,080 --> 00:16:59,400 These are no ordinary birds, sir. 383 00:16:59,440 --> 00:17:03,120 My pigeons are graduates of the Skinner School of Aviation. 384 00:17:03,160 --> 00:17:05,600 You created a flying school for pigeons? 385 00:17:05,640 --> 00:17:08,120 Well, they're not going to train themselves, are they? 386 00:17:08,160 --> 00:17:09,560 Who is this guy? (LAUGHS) 387 00:17:10,320 --> 00:17:11,320 Let me show you something. 388 00:17:11,920 --> 00:17:12,920 (GUNSHOTS) 389 00:17:12,960 --> 00:17:14,680 Whoa! What are you doing?! 390 00:17:14,720 --> 00:17:15,760 A demonstration, sir. 391 00:17:15,800 --> 00:17:19,880 Each pigeon has been trained to ignore the distractions of war. 392 00:17:19,920 --> 00:17:21,720 Huh? Ah! My eyes! 393 00:17:23,200 --> 00:17:24,400 My eyes! 394 00:17:24,440 --> 00:17:26,200 See? It didn't even flinch. 395 00:17:26,240 --> 00:17:28,960 Thank you, Dr Skinner. We have heard enough. 396 00:17:29,000 --> 00:17:32,040 I'm sorry to disappoint you, but it's a terrible idea. 397 00:17:32,080 --> 00:17:34,600 I'm sure implementing your pigeon plan 398 00:17:34,640 --> 00:17:36,840 would have been a real coup. 399 00:17:36,880 --> 00:17:38,760 And I don't want you to get in a flap, 400 00:17:38,800 --> 00:17:44,760 but it's time for you and your pigeons to take off. 401 00:17:44,800 --> 00:17:46,760 Hey, where did that pigeon go? 402 00:17:47,200 --> 00:17:48,200 (FARTING SOUND) 403 00:17:50,360 --> 00:17:52,560 I told you they were trained to hit enemy targets. 404 00:17:55,680 --> 00:17:57,600 Being in a battle is exhausting. 405 00:17:57,640 --> 00:18:01,080 Thankfully, Mummus has bought me a cheese sandwich to keep me going. 406 00:18:01,120 --> 00:18:03,680 But I think she might be supplying the enemy too. 407 00:18:03,720 --> 00:18:05,800 Girls! Sandwiches are ready! 408 00:18:05,840 --> 00:18:08,080 Pick a side, Mummus! 409 00:18:08,120 --> 00:18:09,360 I shouldn't be surprised, though. 410 00:18:09,400 --> 00:18:12,560 Mums have been helping their children in battle throughout history. 411 00:18:12,600 --> 00:18:16,720 Although I'm glad my mum isn't a Spartan one. 412 00:18:16,760 --> 00:18:20,120 VOICEOVER: Spartan soldiers are some of the toughest in the world. 413 00:18:20,160 --> 00:18:21,520 Heee-yaa! 414 00:18:21,560 --> 00:18:22,960 The only thing tougher than them... 415 00:18:23,000 --> 00:18:24,040 Come on, you maggots! 416 00:18:24,080 --> 00:18:26,120 ..are their mums. 417 00:18:26,160 --> 00:18:27,720 Get up! Sit up! 418 00:18:27,760 --> 00:18:28,960 This is: 419 00:18:32,080 --> 00:18:33,400 Come on! 420 00:18:34,120 --> 00:18:35,880 Tell me something. 421 00:18:35,920 --> 00:18:37,920 Do you want to be in the Spartan army? 422 00:18:37,960 --> 00:18:39,240 BOTH: Yes, Mummy! Yes, Mummy. 423 00:18:39,280 --> 00:18:40,400 What did you say?! 424 00:18:40,440 --> 00:18:41,400 ALL: Yes, Mummy! 425 00:18:41,440 --> 00:18:43,640 Drop down and give me 300. (WHIMPERS) 426 00:18:44,280 --> 00:18:46,840 They're good boys, but they need to grow a spine. 427 00:18:46,880 --> 00:18:48,240 I mean, they're Spartans. 428 00:18:48,280 --> 00:18:50,280 They need to learn to be as tough as their mothers. 429 00:18:50,320 --> 00:18:51,360 And believe me, 430 00:18:51,400 --> 00:18:54,720 we need to be tough to raise sons as tough as Spartans. 431 00:18:54,760 --> 00:18:57,040 Can I get up now? Did I say you could speak? 432 00:18:57,080 --> 00:18:58,280 Sorry, Mummy. 433 00:18:58,320 --> 00:19:01,680 I'm meant to send you pathetic babies out to fight for us. 434 00:19:01,720 --> 00:19:03,280 Do you want to go to battle? 435 00:19:03,320 --> 00:19:05,640 Or will you come running home to your mummy? 436 00:19:05,680 --> 00:19:07,160 No, Mummy! No, Mummy! 437 00:19:07,200 --> 00:19:08,520 A coward! 438 00:19:08,560 --> 00:19:11,840 I should have left you outside on the hill like your other brother. 439 00:19:11,880 --> 00:19:15,000 What other brother? Exactly. 440 00:19:15,840 --> 00:19:17,360 What Mummy wants, Mummy gets. 441 00:19:18,280 --> 00:19:19,760 Or you die. 442 00:19:19,800 --> 00:19:23,040 Attention! Let me look at you. 443 00:19:23,080 --> 00:19:25,280 Oh, you don't want us to get naked again, do you? 444 00:19:25,320 --> 00:19:27,960 That is the best way to assess your physical fitness. 445 00:19:28,000 --> 00:19:32,280 But no, not this time. Oh, that's a shame. 446 00:19:32,320 --> 00:19:33,600 I've been working on my abs. 447 00:19:34,320 --> 00:19:35,320 Ow. 448 00:19:35,360 --> 00:19:36,360 Really hurt. 449 00:19:36,400 --> 00:19:37,400 Shields! 450 00:19:37,600 --> 00:19:38,600 Eugh! 451 00:19:39,200 --> 00:19:43,400 These are your shields. You carry them into battle. 452 00:19:43,440 --> 00:19:46,800 You return with them or on them. Oh, like a sledge? 453 00:19:46,840 --> 00:19:50,360 No, like a stretcher. Dead, dummy! 454 00:19:50,400 --> 00:19:52,080 Shame about the sledge. 455 00:19:52,120 --> 00:19:53,200 That sounded fun. 456 00:19:53,480 --> 00:19:54,480 Oh! Ow! 457 00:19:54,520 --> 00:19:58,000 Um. Oh. I weed, I weed. I'm sorry, Mummy. 458 00:19:58,040 --> 00:19:59,040 Nope. Can't do this. 459 00:20:01,520 --> 00:20:03,000 You are a disgrace! 460 00:20:04,280 --> 00:20:06,360 VOICEOVER: The three gruelling weeks are over, 461 00:20:06,400 --> 00:20:08,480 and this is the end... 462 00:20:08,480 --> 00:20:11,000 ..of the beginning of their training, 463 00:20:11,040 --> 00:20:13,720 which will last for many years to come. 464 00:20:13,720 --> 00:20:15,680 Ahhh! I want my mummy! 465 00:20:15,720 --> 00:20:17,080 Archidamus! 466 00:20:17,360 --> 00:20:19,000 I know. Drop and give you 300. 467 00:20:20,080 --> 00:20:21,320 One. Ugh. 468 00:20:21,360 --> 00:20:22,240 Two. Ugh. 469 00:20:22,280 --> 00:20:24,000 Two and a half. Oh! It hurts, Mummy! 470 00:20:24,040 --> 00:20:25,520 I'm not even counting that one. 471 00:20:26,840 --> 00:20:29,560 Dearest Edward. Mummy here. 472 00:20:29,600 --> 00:20:32,400 I do hope this letter finds you well, 473 00:20:32,440 --> 00:20:34,800 despite this silly civil war. 474 00:20:34,840 --> 00:20:35,840 (GUNSHOT) 475 00:20:35,880 --> 00:20:38,080 Not much to report from here at home, 476 00:20:38,080 --> 00:20:41,000 apart from missing you and Daddy, of course. 477 00:20:41,040 --> 00:20:42,440 I do feel so safe 478 00:20:42,520 --> 00:20:45,200 with our own soldiers here to protect us. 479 00:20:45,240 --> 00:20:46,480 (GUNSHOTS) Lady Holly! 480 00:20:46,520 --> 00:20:48,320 Siege! Siege! We're under attack! 481 00:20:48,360 --> 00:20:52,160 To your positions, men! We will not let our home fall. 482 00:20:52,200 --> 00:20:55,000 Defend her at all costs! 483 00:20:55,040 --> 00:20:58,040 I do hope you are looking after Daddy. 484 00:20:58,080 --> 00:20:59,960 I'm so proud of you both 485 00:21:00,000 --> 00:21:05,600 for defending our Puritan values against the Royalist scum! 486 00:21:05,640 --> 00:21:08,000 As some mean people like to call them. 487 00:21:08,040 --> 00:21:10,040 (BELL RINGS, GUNSHOTS FIRE) The bells! The bells! 488 00:21:10,080 --> 00:21:12,720 They're taking our bells! Not on my watch! 489 00:21:12,760 --> 00:21:14,360 Hit them with everything we've got! 490 00:21:19,400 --> 00:21:20,680 MAN: Oh! I've been hit! 491 00:21:20,720 --> 00:21:21,720 Oh, cake! 492 00:21:25,240 --> 00:21:30,280 I was going to send you a cake to make you think of home... 493 00:21:30,320 --> 00:21:31,560 (GLASS SMASHES) ..but... 494 00:21:31,560 --> 00:21:32,680 (GUNSHOTS, DRAMATIC MUSIC) 495 00:21:38,160 --> 00:21:40,440 Eat musket balls, losers! (GUNSHOT) 496 00:21:40,480 --> 00:21:42,520 MAN: Arggh! I preferred the cake! 497 00:21:44,240 --> 00:21:46,800 I seem to have run out of cake. 498 00:21:46,840 --> 00:21:50,000 Love and snuggles, Mummy. 499 00:21:50,200 --> 00:21:51,200 (GUNSHOTS) 500 00:21:51,560 --> 00:21:53,840 We did it! We did it! They're retreating. 501 00:21:53,880 --> 00:21:55,680 Who's the mummy?! 502 00:21:55,680 --> 00:21:57,400 It's me. It's me. 503 00:21:57,440 --> 00:22:01,560 Right. Be a love and sneak this past the enemy, would you? 504 00:22:01,600 --> 00:22:02,920 Move, move, move! 505 00:22:05,880 --> 00:22:08,720 I don't know how long we can keep this battle going. 506 00:22:08,760 --> 00:22:09,840 I'm exhausted! 507 00:22:09,880 --> 00:22:12,120 Also, we're running out of pillows. 508 00:22:12,160 --> 00:22:14,120 We've only got three left. 509 00:22:14,360 --> 00:22:15,360 Agh! 510 00:22:15,400 --> 00:22:17,240 We've only got two left. 511 00:22:17,280 --> 00:22:20,880 Luckily, people in history have had all sorts of inventive ways 512 00:22:20,920 --> 00:22:23,240 to stop war and find peace. 513 00:22:23,280 --> 00:22:27,720 And one of the more surprising ways is...marriage. 514 00:22:27,760 --> 00:22:28,760 Ooh! 515 00:22:28,800 --> 00:22:30,520 That one was my favourite! 516 00:22:33,560 --> 00:22:37,600 They say there is a wafer thin line between love and hate. 517 00:22:37,640 --> 00:22:38,920 So is it any wonder 518 00:22:38,960 --> 00:22:42,240 that when two warring rivals look for peace, 519 00:22:42,280 --> 00:22:44,800 it is l'amour that shows the way? 520 00:22:45,840 --> 00:22:49,400 VOICEOVER: Pharaoh Ramesses II is looking for love... 521 00:22:49,440 --> 00:22:50,520 ..or an end to war. 522 00:22:50,560 --> 00:22:51,960 One of the two. 523 00:22:52,000 --> 00:22:53,320 I hope I like her. 524 00:22:53,360 --> 00:22:55,120 Ha! I hope my wives like her as well. 525 00:22:55,160 --> 00:22:58,000 Huh. Hey, do people normally bring their wives on dates? 526 00:22:58,040 --> 00:22:59,640 Serious question. 527 00:22:59,640 --> 00:23:01,560 You don't mind, do you? 528 00:23:01,600 --> 00:23:03,760 Yeah. She don't mind. OK! 529 00:23:05,920 --> 00:23:09,760 His date is the eldest daughter of the King of the Hittites. 530 00:23:09,800 --> 00:23:12,240 You must be Ramesses II. My name is... 531 00:23:12,280 --> 00:23:15,400 I don't care what your name is. I'm gonna call you Maathornefrure. 532 00:23:15,440 --> 00:23:19,800 It means "She who beholds the falcon 533 00:23:19,800 --> 00:23:23,120 that is the visible splendour of Ra." 534 00:23:23,160 --> 00:23:25,000 Yeah, Ra! I'm wicked with names, innit? 535 00:23:25,920 --> 00:23:27,000 Is he allowed to do that? 536 00:23:27,040 --> 00:23:28,080 I mean, I know he's a pharaoh, 537 00:23:28,120 --> 00:23:29,840 and I've heard he can do whatever he likes, 538 00:23:29,880 --> 00:23:32,000 but is he literally allowed to change my name? 539 00:23:32,040 --> 00:23:33,560 Things are off to a bad start 540 00:23:33,600 --> 00:23:36,400 because while Ramesses is Pharaoh of the Upper Nile, 541 00:23:36,440 --> 00:23:40,200 he's on this occasion also King of the Utter Vile. 542 00:23:40,240 --> 00:23:42,080 You need some oil, babes? No, thanks, babe. 543 00:23:42,120 --> 00:23:43,800 Oh, apologies. My bad. 544 00:23:43,840 --> 00:23:46,080 You need some oil, babes! Huh? 545 00:23:46,120 --> 00:23:47,720 Huh? What... No! Hm! 546 00:23:47,760 --> 00:23:50,080 Stop! What are you doing?! 547 00:23:50,120 --> 00:23:52,280 The oil was there to banish the netherworld 548 00:23:52,280 --> 00:23:53,560 and keep you safe from evil. 549 00:23:53,600 --> 00:23:54,520 You're welcome. 550 00:23:54,560 --> 00:23:57,320 I know that ditching this date could restart a war between our kingdoms, 551 00:23:57,360 --> 00:23:59,720 but right now, that seems like a price worth paying. 552 00:23:59,760 --> 00:24:00,800 Hey, hey, look, look. 553 00:24:00,840 --> 00:24:05,440 We both know that our marriage is just there to keep the peace. 554 00:24:05,520 --> 00:24:08,760 But look, let's just put all of that aside. Yeah? 555 00:24:08,800 --> 00:24:12,960 Let's just talk about our hopes and our dreams. 556 00:24:13,000 --> 00:24:17,040 I'd like that. So how much am I getting? Huh? 557 00:24:17,080 --> 00:24:18,960 Think of world peace. Think of world peace. 558 00:24:19,000 --> 00:24:20,320 It's called a dowry. 559 00:24:20,360 --> 00:24:22,560 Her dad has to give me a load of stuff when I marry her. 560 00:24:22,560 --> 00:24:24,840 It's a standard thing at regular weddings, 561 00:24:24,880 --> 00:24:27,280 let alone ones being arranged to end a war. 562 00:24:27,320 --> 00:24:30,240 Ain't that right? I got bear coins off of these lot. 563 00:24:30,280 --> 00:24:31,400 So I get the gold, yeah? 564 00:24:32,040 --> 00:24:36,760 Silver. The slaves, the horses and the cows. Is that all? 565 00:24:36,800 --> 00:24:40,080 And me, of course. Ha-ha! Yeah. Of course. 566 00:24:40,120 --> 00:24:43,080 (LAUGHS) How could I forget that? That's mad. 567 00:24:43,120 --> 00:24:45,200 I'm gonna put you down under the horses. 568 00:24:45,240 --> 00:24:47,040 And they say romance is dead. 569 00:24:47,080 --> 00:24:49,160 So do you think you'll see each other again? 570 00:24:49,200 --> 00:24:52,560 Sure. I mean, we'll have to, innit? (LAUGHS) 571 00:24:52,600 --> 00:24:54,000 If we don't get married, 572 00:24:54,040 --> 00:24:57,400 then the war between our rival kingdoms may well start up again. 573 00:24:57,440 --> 00:24:59,840 Pfft. Bro, I ain't got no choice. 574 00:24:59,880 --> 00:25:01,360 The words every bride longs to hear. 575 00:25:01,400 --> 00:25:03,280 Don't worry, babes, we'll look after you. 576 00:25:03,320 --> 00:25:04,560 There you go. 577 00:25:04,600 --> 00:25:06,240 Wives, let's go. 578 00:25:06,280 --> 00:25:08,120 He needs to learn some manners. 579 00:25:08,160 --> 00:25:09,160 Huh? 580 00:25:09,960 --> 00:25:11,040 Ignore him. We do. 581 00:25:11,080 --> 00:25:14,480 Yeah. I'll catch you back at the palace. Yeah! 582 00:25:14,480 --> 00:25:17,240 You know, I might have to be back next week 583 00:25:17,280 --> 00:25:19,320 because five wives ain't enough. You know what I mean? 584 00:25:19,320 --> 00:25:20,920 Ha! You know what I'm saying? 585 00:25:25,000 --> 00:25:27,680 The dust has settled on our final battle. 586 00:25:27,720 --> 00:25:31,320 We all decided to put aside the pillows of war 587 00:25:31,320 --> 00:25:33,400 and lead a peaceful life. 588 00:25:33,440 --> 00:25:36,280 Because Dad has said if we didn't, he'd sell the telly. 589 00:25:36,320 --> 00:25:39,960 Yes. War is never the answer, unless the question is 590 00:25:40,000 --> 00:25:43,680 "Three letter word beginning with W. English Civil WHAT?" 591 00:25:43,720 --> 00:25:45,920 Of course, in the English Civil War, 592 00:25:45,960 --> 00:25:48,920 Oliver Cromwell's motto was "peace through war". 593 00:25:48,960 --> 00:25:52,680 But my dad says that's nonsense. And he might be right. 594 00:25:52,720 --> 00:25:56,720 Things didn't work out so well for Cromwell. Mm-mm-mm. 595 00:25:56,760 --> 00:25:58,400 596 00:25:58,440 --> 00:25:59,640 597 00:25:59,680 --> 00:26:02,160 598 00:26:02,200 --> 00:26:04,040 599 00:26:05,200 --> 00:26:06,760 600 00:26:06,800 --> 00:26:08,040 601 00:26:08,080 --> 00:26:10,720 602 00:26:10,760 --> 00:26:12,680 603 00:26:13,920 --> 00:26:15,920 and Charles lost his head 604 00:26:15,960 --> 00:26:18,080 605 00:26:18,120 --> 00:26:20,400 fought for the cause 606 00:26:20,440 --> 00:26:22,840 and repealed laws 607 00:26:22,880 --> 00:26:24,800 Became Lord Protector 608 00:26:24,800 --> 00:26:27,080 but without the crown and sceptre 609 00:26:27,080 --> 00:26:29,280 was now what we were called 610 00:26:29,320 --> 00:26:31,720 peace through war 611 00:26:31,760 --> 00:26:34,440 612 00:26:34,480 --> 00:26:37,080 613 00:26:37,120 --> 00:26:38,920 614 00:26:40,120 --> 00:26:42,680 615 00:26:42,720 --> 00:26:45,600 616 00:26:45,640 --> 00:26:48,840 617 00:26:48,880 --> 00:26:50,480 into 12 little bits 618 00:26:50,520 --> 00:26:53,280 Had to call that quits 619 00:26:53,320 --> 00:26:55,160 would be the solution 620 00:26:55,200 --> 00:26:57,800 with a new constitution 621 00:26:57,840 --> 00:26:59,680 death was my fate 622 00:26:59,720 --> 00:27:01,800 stepping up to the plate. 623 00:27:01,840 --> 00:27:03,160 624 00:27:03,200 --> 00:27:04,320 625 00:27:04,360 --> 00:27:06,640 a year later 626 00:27:06,680 --> 00:27:07,680 627 00:27:08,760 --> 00:27:11,960 628 00:27:12,000 --> 00:27:13,760 629 00:27:15,160 --> 00:27:18,040 630 00:27:18,080 --> 00:27:20,520 631 00:27:20,560 --> 00:27:22,280 I thought we were finished. 632 00:27:23,560 --> 00:27:28,000 I'd been in exile 633 00:27:28,040 --> 00:27:32,120 634 00:27:32,160 --> 00:27:36,160 They'd had enough of war 635 00:27:36,200 --> 00:27:40,880 636 00:27:40,920 --> 00:27:43,640 from Civil War times 637 00:27:43,680 --> 00:27:45,360 What's not to like? 638 00:27:45,400 --> 00:27:46,960 639 00:27:47,000 --> 00:27:48,000 640 00:27:48,040 --> 00:27:50,280 on a spike 641 00:27:50,320 --> 00:27:51,400 642 00:27:52,520 --> 00:27:53,640 643 00:27:53,680 --> 00:27:55,680 644 00:27:55,720 --> 00:27:57,680 645 00:27:58,920 --> 00:28:01,920 646 00:28:01,960 --> 00:28:04,440 647 00:28:04,480 --> 00:28:05,800 Right. Now, where's the party? 648 00:28:05,840 --> 00:28:06,960 Captions by Red Bee Media 649 00:28:07,000 --> 00:28:08,720 Copyright Australian Broadcasting Corporation.